Cue the Music

I hate when I lose the music. Music soothes the distraught little girl in me. You know the child, the one who has lost so many things? The one that refuses to lose anything else but is so small that it really isn‘t up to her?

Everyone needs theme music. One of my favorite author’s gives one of her characters the song Short Skirt, Long Jacket by Cake as her theme song. It makes me want my own themesong. I don’t know what it would be. If I was walking out to the ring and about to go into the battle of my life, what music would inspire me to do my best? What would help rally me back to my feet before the referee count to 10 and calls for the ringing bell?

I have lots of favorites. They go from what I call stripper music to girl power, melancholy melodies to metal mayhem, most anything by Waylon, George, Gary, Steven and Joe or my Daves of Rock Guitars.

I first turned off the music because I was listening to the radio 24/7 and I was picking out the patterns in the play lists. When I noticed how frequently I was predicting the next song and the ads were getting on my nerves I switched to my ipod. I should be embarrassed to say that I have an old 2nd generation iPod Touch that only works when it is docked in my bedside alarm clock/radio. I don’t spend money on gadgets like that, I’m not a big fan of any company that puts out things with a predestined expiration date. Maybe it is my country background that makes me like things that can be adapted or changed, repaired and revived.

The thing about the music on that device, I can’t switch it out due to the only way it works. I usually keep the music I live to on my blackberry sd card and update it. My Blackberry is what I take with me everywhere, what I listen to when I’m out and about dealing with my day. My beloved Bold is on it’s last legs, the micro sd card had to go the way of the white buffalo in order to increase it’s longevity until the new Classic came out to AT&T wireless customers. They finally announced when it would hit the retail stores and now despite the low low price of $50 and a 2 year contract, I’m not sure it is worth having the music back that much to me, even at that bargain. This is how far I have fallen and how faded the music has become in my life.

I use to give my mother hell about singing in the kitchen, or about writing in notebooks. I didn’t understand. When she was happy she would sing. I should have let her sing more often, and now I can’t sing without feeling guilt. My blogs are my versions of notebook writings, although I have some of the old pen/paper ones around the house as well. So, am I becoming my mother? Will depression cause me to stop fighting? I find myself in the fight of my life, or is it my livelihood? Either way, I can’t afford to lose but for some reason I can’t see how I can win.

So that is why I have decided what I need is that theme music…that song that will be the proverbial kick in my ass and make me jump to my feet and be ready for battle.

Despite the glorious Ms. Gaynor’s dislike for this particular version I happen to think the front runner is:

I Will Survive- Cake


April 12, 2010 So it begins…

(Miranda’s Voice)

Waking up and seeing Wesley sleeping beside me with Aidan curled up on his chest, lulled by his steady breathing and the precession drumming of his heart, I’m transported to another time, a happier one before all of the bullshit and misunderstandings got in the way…

Wes was my best friend, he literally saved my life before I was strong enough to save myself.  He was my original knight in shinning armor and tried to turn into my Prince Charming, but time has dulled the shine on us.

What is it that causes the end of a relationship?  What forces the people involved to flee or cling?  Is it the fear of the unknown?  The longing for the familiar?  Pure stubbornness?  Some mixed up concoction of it all?

Yes, I am the one who fled.  The restrictions and demands along with the expectations were too confining for me.  I couldn’t breathe.  Wesley wanted to save me from everything, but he couldn’t save me from him and he can’t save me from myself.

I’ve grown into my own, and there are still things I need to learn, but I am capable of saving myself at least a majority of the time.  I don’t need or want to be put on a pedestal and I’m no damn damsel in distress.  Screw Rapunzel letting down her hair, I’m refusing to be trapped in the tower in the first place.  Maybe that is the reason the shine has gone from the one who longs to be my prince, because I no longer believe in the fairytale.

I’m no longer that 16 year old girl he saved.  Hell, I’m not even the 21 year old he married a few years ago.
I don’t deserve to be put on his pedestal and a gilded cage is still a cage…but how do I explain that to Wes?