Cue the Music

I hate when I lose the music. Music soothes the distraught little girl in me. You know the child, the one who has lost so many things? The one that refuses to lose anything else but is so small that it really isn‘t up to her?

Everyone needs theme music. One of my favorite author’s gives one of her characters the song Short Skirt, Long Jacket by Cake as her theme song. It makes me want my own themesong. I don’t know what it would be. If I was walking out to the ring and about to go into the battle of my life, what music would inspire me to do my best? What would help rally me back to my feet before the referee count to 10 and calls for the ringing bell?

I have lots of favorites. They go from what I call stripper music to girl power, melancholy melodies to metal mayhem, most anything by Waylon, George, Gary, Steven and Joe or my Daves of Rock Guitars.

I first turned off the music because I was listening to the radio 24/7 and I was picking out the patterns in the play lists. When I noticed how frequently I was predicting the next song and the ads were getting on my nerves I switched to my ipod. I should be embarrassed to say that I have an old 2nd generation iPod Touch that only works when it is docked in my bedside alarm clock/radio. I don’t spend money on gadgets like that, I’m not a big fan of any company that puts out things with a predestined expiration date. Maybe it is my country background that makes me like things that can be adapted or changed, repaired and revived.

The thing about the music on that device, I can’t switch it out due to the only way it works. I usually keep the music I live to on my blackberry sd card and update it. My Blackberry is what I take with me everywhere, what I listen to when I’m out and about dealing with my day. My beloved Bold is on it’s last legs, the micro sd card had to go the way of the white buffalo in order to increase it’s longevity until the new Classic came out to AT&T wireless customers. They finally announced when it would hit the retail stores and now despite the low low price of $50 and a 2 year contract, I’m not sure it is worth having the music back that much to me, even at that bargain. This is how far I have fallen and how faded the music has become in my life.

I use to give my mother hell about singing in the kitchen, or about writing in notebooks. I didn’t understand. When she was happy she would sing. I should have let her sing more often, and now I can’t sing without feeling guilt. My blogs are my versions of notebook writings, although I have some of the old pen/paper ones around the house as well. So, am I becoming my mother? Will depression cause me to stop fighting? I find myself in the fight of my life, or is it my livelihood? Either way, I can’t afford to lose but for some reason I can’t see how I can win.

So that is why I have decided what I need is that theme music…that song that will be the proverbial kick in my ass and make me jump to my feet and be ready for battle.

Despite the glorious Ms. Gaynor’s dislike for this particular version I happen to think the front runner is:

I Will Survive- Cake

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(He) Sendeth Rain on the Just and on the Unjust

I understand that some of you probably look at the title of this blog post with a skeptical eyebrow raise, or even that you have some snaky comment to it and I understand.

Although this isn’t a blog post about any one subject and rainfall will be mentioned, I guess it is an invitation from me, to you. An invitation to step into the rain, see what it washes away, and who or what is left behind once the perceptions have been removed. Not all farmers resort to pesticides and poisons (if we did, we wouldn’t need to bush hog.) We respect the circle of life and our little role in it and we accept that sometimes death is a part of life. We don’t kill thoughtlessly but we do kill to eat. We just don’t glorify it. Maybe this will help to explain. Continue reading

Three Days

Three days since I have written any words, blog/wip or the like.

I’ve been feeling like crap and it just hasn’t gotten any better. It may be time for me to go to the doctor, which I HATE the very idea of doing.

It may just be a mind over matter thing, I sat down at my desk to write the other day and my best friend/sister called. We talked for two hours and I really needed that time. It made me get off my ass and setup some tasks for me to get accomplished today. I think I have managed to do one, I may get 3 out of 5 done by 9pm tonight. I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you, it’s not life and death, and well the power is out.

Yep, I said it. The power is out. Just went I sit down with my trusty blackberry to write this with grand plans to post this here and then move things around life sticks it’s tongue out and me and blows the raspberry of all raspberries.

Is it not enough that I have all but become a vampire because the sunlight makes me feel worse? Silvie comes in for quick petting sessions and then goes right back out because I can’t be outside and play fetch with her? The donkeys are tormenting us all because they are jokester who come onto the back porch and literally ring the doorbell?

Then there are the dreams. They make my head hurt. Surely I would remember if I was published in a teacher’s anthology wouldn’t I? I know that particular year was crazy as all get out with losing my mom and dad being sick and all, but even if someone else submitted the work for me, surely I would remember it. It wouldn’t have been tied to the school district or whatever would it?

Ugh, some days I just want to turn my brain off. This makes day number three that I’d have been functioning sans gray matter. I’m ready to unplug, just me, my dogs and well, air conditioning, so I guess that means hiking and camping are out.

Hey, I know I need to write, but this FarmPrincess needs to feel better or my characters will end up as whiny as I’m being right now.

Three days…that’s more than enough. Tomorrow the streak ends, I hope.

Writer’s Insight Required

I can not get my head to slow down so that I can do something, anything at this point. After such a good start to “The Clancy Chronicals” (Hey it’s just my own personal title!) I have run head-first into a brick wall.

There are so many things that are running through my mind. I’m all about the little details and I know that the perfectionist in me will get frustrated and give up on the idea soon if I’m not careful. I don’t want to give up, so how do I break through the bullshit?

Another part of me knows that I am a want-to-be writer, I don’t know that I can even consider myself aspiring at this point. No, right now I am farmgirl, business woman, caregiver, furmom and then probably a dozen titles away is the writing. Why is that important? One word: Isaac. While it looks like now it may just be a rain/wind event for us there was a point where everyone in my area was concerned because there was a chance, however small, that it could have been in our laps as a category 1 storm.

Preparations had to be made, that normally means spending money which I HATE with a passion. I can attest that in business sometimes you do have to spend money to make money, and sometimes you have to spend a little of it to not lose lots of it. Right now we are faced with both.

Now that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been writing. I have blogged and written small snippets each of three days since I have be challenged by my muse with this project. The only thing is I’m not putting out the numbers of words to the project that I would like. I don’t see any improvement, any advancement and it is making me cranky.

So after talking with my friend Jay I am considering a “non-flying by the seat of my pants approach” for a bit. Maybe if I am working on characters and outlines, plots and points-of-view then I can not feel like a failure before I’ve really given myself a chance to crawl, let alone walk, run or marathon.

So in the spirit of that hope I need some help from you all. You may not be use to my writing style, and while I realize that short works in the vein of role-playing won’t tell you much maybe the next part will.

I try to write like I live. I’m an earthy texture driven person. I like to roll things around in my mouth and mind and think if they sound and feel right. I want my words and my writing to have a texture to it. From starting with the character names “meaning” something in the story to the little hidden accents that although a reader may not catch them in the moment, they may have that a-ha experience later. I tend to write a lot and imagine the smells, like the warm apple pie the old man is having with his coffee two tables over while two girlfriends chat about their love lives.

Do I just have a vivid imagination that will constantly suffer from the lack of other skills I possess? Is there a book or a magic wand that we can beat me over the head with and stop this line of thinking?

What is my malfunction, because I’m feeling a blue screen coming along soon.

I Can Hear You

Yes dear I can hear you in my head. Since the idea was given to me by my muse you have been growing more and more confident and louder and louder. I see your back story, I see your enemy, I see your heartache…but what I can’t see is time to work on you.

Six AM and I am awake from a sound sleep with problems on the farm, problems, mind you, that were JUST fixed and it is almost 12:30. I have Isaac in the gulf, people calling to check to see if we’re ready and I want to hide in my office with my laptop and create Clancy. (Yeah I know, others didn’t like the name either. I still do. *shrugs*)

Tonight is Meet the local high school athletes and I have a niece who will be performing with the dance troup. I’d love to see it, maybe I can combine it with a trip to get diesel and supplies?

Where do they keep the time? Not Thyme, that stuff doesn’t work the same. I need some of the other, an economy pack of patience and a life-time supply of calm.

I wouldn’t mind a little success thrown in if you have any to spare. Well success in writing, I am making my own in other areas.

This weekend was HORRIBLE as far as relationships with my family goes. Dad treats my former stepbrothers like little adults when they are just kids. One roped pig, a herd of loose cows and lots of my ruffled feathers I got the gun the little monsters stole from my farmhand while they were nosing around in my barns and control rooms where they had no place being.

Add this morning’s massive water system failure in a room where their muddy hand prints are everywhere? I totally feel justified in demanding that they not step foot on my farm again. I realize that Dad may bring them, but I warned him to not let the hellions out of the truck.

Now back to Dear Clancy. I find my writings so far have had lots of pop culture references and humor in them. That is what I prefer to read, so it makes sense that is what I write. I’m the type of person that enjoys the kids movies but like to see the frozen prehistoric animals giving the Spock Salutation in the background.

While I realize that if I add the brown-chicken brown-cow to my writing that I want to, it WON’T be suitable for kids (DUH) but I guess I’m hoping that although I’m new to this game I can write something that the folks that grew up on Harry Potter and *cant type the words* can bridge into while still attracting more seasoned readers like me.

Did I dance around that well enough? 😉

Oh well, I’m rambling now and by the time I get my phone to post this the 5 mins I gave myself to write will be over.

Until next time…

New Faces, Same Game

So my character TammyJo is 3 years old today on Twitter.

To celebrate that milestone I decided that I would go back to her life before she hit twitter in the SL she has had there and write a short story prequel if you will.

I hope you enjoy.

Nerves were making me more uneasy than usual. It didn’t help that I was in a different town, hours away from home, I still had the distinct feeling that someone was following me and watching my every move. It should be impossible. I had taken so many different roads to get here, made so many detours and thanks to my father and other pack members, I had driven not one or two but six different vehicles to arrive at this spot, each of the previous ones heading off in one of the wrong directions leaving clues to try and help cover my tracks. Was it possible that someone had kept up with me through that elaborate shell game? Continue reading

Anxiety, Dread and a Slight Detour to Happily Ever After

I think I have written before how I decided to be strong enough to face my depression and seek treatment for it for a second time. Lexapro has been a Godsend for me and my whole attitude had improved, and still remains improved for the most part.

The reason the doctor and I decided to go with Lexapro is I had anxiety as well and being told they tend to go hand-in-hand I just accepted it and moved forward.

Then I watched this “reality show” that is my secret guilty pleasure. I love Jersey Shore, but I didn’t realize that the show would help me discover something about myself, but it did.

Looking back on it, talking with my doctor and others, I’ve fought a mild anxiety disorder all of my life. Certain people like my mom could make it worse, now it seems to be that most everyone in my world does.

If I separate myself from them, the normal stress of the farm and being a caregiver can be balanced out with chocolate and a little time on my Kindle Fire. If I don’t, well I know that on one particular bad day I took 3-.25mg Xanax in a day. It was well within the allowed limits of my prescription but honestly I feel that if I have to take 2 or more especially during consecutive days then I need to do something to change the environment in which I find myself.

Lately Role Playing has caused me more stress than it has ever brought me joy. I have all but retired characters that I love because of the drama around them. I’m not naming names and placing blame, I’m a grown ass woman and I’m making up my own mind about how I proceed from here.

So far this is what I have decided:

I’m going to “hide” the Twitter apps on my phone, out of sight, out of mind. (Already doing this, it helps!)

I’m only going to be signed in to my RL accounts and possibly TammyJo who may or may not get a User Name change.

All other accounts will be either deleted, pruned of followers/following or given-up for adoption. Some of the @s are popular characters in role play worlds and I hate to be selfish and delete them and forever take the name as well.

I am NOT going to stop writing, but instead of doing it 140 characters at a time or posting something to tumblr here or there I’m going to concentrate on building a complete work of well rounded characters and seek representation and the ever-coveted book deal.

Most importantly I’m going to spend more time on the farm and with the 3-legged wonder pup Bonnie. We may finally break down and get a puppy and start training him or her while Bonnie is still as agile as she is. Like the heroine from the movie Bonnie gets her name from I draw strength from this land beneath my feet. I’m a farm girl and I’ll die a farm girl, it may not be Tara but it means the world to me.

This isn’t goodbye, this isn’t a dramatic attention seeking ploy, this is me being as honest as I can be and remaining true to myself.

I hope that the friendships I have made here can last through this, that our paths will continue on together for a long while yet, but if this is our crossroads and we take a different path that leads us apart I hope that at some point I managed to let you know what you mean to me.