I think I have written before how I decided to be strong enough to face my depression and seek treatment for it for a second time. Lexapro has been a Godsend for me and my whole attitude had improved, and still remains improved for the most part.
The reason the doctor and I decided to go with Lexapro is I had anxiety as well and being told they tend to go hand-in-hand I just accepted it and moved forward.
Then I watched this “reality show” that is my secret guilty pleasure. I love Jersey Shore, but I didn’t realize that the show would help me discover something about myself, but it did.
Looking back on it, talking with my doctor and others, I’ve fought a mild anxiety disorder all of my life. Certain people like my mom could make it worse, now it seems to be that most everyone in my world does.
If I separate myself from them, the normal stress of the farm and being a caregiver can be balanced out with chocolate and a little time on my Kindle Fire. If I don’t, well I know that on one particular bad day I took 3-.25mg Xanax in a day. It was well within the allowed limits of my prescription but honestly I feel that if I have to take 2 or more especially during consecutive days then I need to do something to change the environment in which I find myself.
Lately Role Playing has caused me more stress than it has ever brought me joy. I have all but retired characters that I love because of the drama around them. I’m not naming names and placing blame, I’m a grown ass woman and I’m making up my own mind about how I proceed from here.
So far this is what I have decided:
I’m going to “hide” the Twitter apps on my phone, out of sight, out of mind. (Already doing this, it helps!)
I’m only going to be signed in to my RL accounts and possibly TammyJo who may or may not get a User Name change.
All other accounts will be either deleted, pruned of followers/following or given-up for adoption. Some of the @s are popular characters in role play worlds and I hate to be selfish and delete them and forever take the name as well.
I am NOT going to stop writing, but instead of doing it 140 characters at a time or posting something to tumblr here or there I’m going to concentrate on building a complete work of well rounded characters and seek representation and the ever-coveted book deal.
Most importantly I’m going to spend more time on the farm and with the 3-legged wonder pup Bonnie. We may finally break down and get a puppy and start training him or her while Bonnie is still as agile as she is. Like the heroine from the movie Bonnie gets her name from I draw strength from this land beneath my feet. I’m a farm girl and I’ll die a farm girl, it may not be Tara but it means the world to me.
This isn’t goodbye, this isn’t a dramatic attention seeking ploy, this is me being as honest as I can be and remaining true to myself.
I hope that the friendships I have made here can last through this, that our paths will continue on together for a long while yet, but if this is our crossroads and we take a different path that leads us apart I hope that at some point I managed to let you know what you mean to me.