Mother’s Day has always been hard on me. I guess having a mom who loved her own mother more than she loved being one does that to you. It also doesn’t help when you sometimes have to share the celebration. What can I say, I’m greedy some times and want my own cake.
Yet now that I have over 10 years without a mom it is different, and still it isn’t. Having my birthday that close to a reminder that she will never be here for the important milestones in my life makes me glamorize the loss that much more.
It would be lovely to think that she would go overboard planning a wedding or a baby shower. She’d hug me and tell me how proud she was of me, of what I had become.
The reality is my mother had a mean streak and was jealous of the females in Dad’s life, all the females, including his daughters. While it might be nice to think the storybook fair tale things would happen, the reality would probably be more about her, locations she couldn’t be at, the foods she loved but could only have at special occasions…Her Her Her Her Her.
So this Mother’s Day I’m not only grieving the loss of the mom I had, but the mom I wanted and since I now find myself on the backside of 30, I am starting to think I’ll get to grieve never being a mother at all.
Maybe that is for the best. My job is intense and crazy on the best of days. My near 70 year-old father is trying to out Heff, Heff and…
And I realize that after two years on Lexapro, one dosage increase and a doctors appointment for a follow up coming just days away, that I will probably always need this medicine, or something like it. At times the anxiety is so bad that it busts through my 20mg of better living through chemical means, other times when I’m crying in the middle of the bed I wonder if there are enough chemical compounds in the world to get me through the shit my family is doing. Times like that I pull away…
I pull away from it all, answer only what I have to, do only what I must until I stop feeling like I’m about to bust out of my skin. Dad has finally started listening to me when I say something about MY business. The phrase “Because it is mine and I say so..” has also come from my mouth a time or two. I’m finding the confidence that I had been lacking to stand up to my dad.
I guess I finally see that although my life isn’t perfect, it is my life and I’m not going to have someone Britney Spears me when I’ve done nothing to deserve it.
Heaven help us all, TJ has found her voice and her soapbox to stand up to Daddy. May God have mercy on his old soul, because I won’t if he pushes me far enough. It is time for me to do me.