Why is it when you want to stay home and do nothing you’re never able to but change that want to have and you are soon bouncing off the walls. Maybe it is just me, I’m never satisfied. *smirks* Ok well we all know that is a lie, sometimes I’m very satisfied and a certain blonde vamp makes sure of it.
Where was I? Oh doing nothing, see I have this bad habit, I am a perfectionist. Now mind you I didn’t say I was perfect, far from it, but I strive for it which is 100 times worse because I’ll never achieve it, then I’ll get pissed off or worse depressed.
Have I ever said I don’t have much patience? Well, I don’t. Sometimes that is a good thing other times it leads to problems, like popping buttons and ripping fabric or worse crying sales people. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not horrible to anyone as a general rule, but I hate people who lie to me, I don’t mind the truth near as much as finding out you tried to keep it from me, especially if you did it “to save my feelings”. That always seems like such a bullshit reason anyway, the real one is you’re wanting to protect your face.
Yeah I hear it now, red headed temper. Between being a ginger, a Texan, a dominant and a Taurus I’m full up on bad attitude, piss and vinegar. I do have my good points you know. I’m a caring person. I’m good under pressure and my Grandma Wulf taught me how to cook. Granted that last one doesn’t do me much good dating Roman but we manage to work it out. *chuckles*
So where was I? Oh yeah cooped up in the house. Don’t get me wrong, it is a lovely house. It is also starting to feel like home which is always important to me. It is the first place I’ve lived where I didn’t do the silly trick my mother taught me about naming the corners of my room the first night and whatever corner I looked at first was the one I’d marry. I guess my mom tried to be my fairy godmother too.
It is crazy what you remember when you’re in moods like this. Probably the fact that this sun-room is so much like the one I grew up in helps that. It is one of the rooms in my house that reminds me of her the most. The only thing that could remind me of her more would be if I brought out her craft room stuff.
I dreamed about babies again last night. The little boy in my arms was a mixed part red wolf part something else. I remember showing her to my grandfather and he turned away as did all my family in my dream. Places I had been welcomed and gone to all my life now spurned me and treated me like a stranger if not worse. To make matters more difficult the baby was sick, but the one person I could ask for help, Roman, was who I was scared of the most.
God please just let that be a dream and not foreshadowing, not because I don’t want kids, I do. Still, I have too many things to do and carry out. No, the real fear is that despite how Roman may feel about kids, its bound to change depending on the sperm donor. So instead of ‘it is what it is’ please let it be something that brings us together instead of tears us apart.